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[24 Jun 2004|02:01am] |
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Im more stressed out than I ever thought I could be.
I cant find the vanish button, either.
Nothing is going right. I dont see how its going to get better.
School is so hard it might just give me a heart attack.
Im a failure at money.
Not even buddha wants me to have a fucking car.
Nothing I do helps myself.
I cant even help some of my friends.
I hate living with assholes.
I can never sleep.
The things I study dont stay in my brain.
i wish i was a drug addict so i could waste away more quickly and people would say "oh shes going nowhere, shes going to die, its the coke" - at least theyd have something to blame it on. at least the end wouldnt seem soooooooooooooo far away.
i wish she wouldnt do coke. that hurts me. stop fucking doing coke, please! i love you.
fuck. i wish it was tomorrow
and tomorrow
and tomorrow
and im 44
with kids
a house
and happiness.
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| you dont get what you want, you get what you need. |
[17 Jun 2004|06:02am] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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saved by the bell |
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I need contacts. Im like, 12 pairs behind or more.
I need money.
I need a place to read that is outside, lonely, and a good temperature all the time.
I need Paris Hilton.
I NEED TO SEE HANSON WHEN THEY COME HERE OR I WILL FALL OVER AND DIE.
I need to know whats wrong with my head.
I need sleep but I hate sleep.
I need anxiety to DIE.
I need to be in control. I need to be in control always.
I need to forget Jenn exists FOREVER. or be back with her, forever. one of the two.
I need to be famous and be able to not go to school and just travel forever. I need to never be in one place for so long. One place is never good.
I need a tan and to swim 100 laps a day every single day starting today.
I need people to stop being liars. Thatd be so nice. FAKE ones. I HATE FACADES. and I hate seeing through them.
I need a Cosby marathon. yes, I do.
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| We were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tightly to the ground... |
[06 Jun 2004|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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modest mouse |
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Last night I had the most gorgeous dream ever. It wasnt too much or too little. It felt like complete sincerity. With the girl that says Im amazing. The girl I think is amazing.
The girl I dont even talk with anymore.
And we were really in love. I didnt have to say it or hear it... it was a dream. In dreams you just know. I wonder where this came from, though. I guess it doesnt matter. just a dream.
I guess its ridiculous, but it was so nice. The eye contact, the skin, the rain. The fact that we werent taking anything for granted.
So I guess the way it works is that I have nightmares for 364 days and then theres this one where I wish it could just keep going forever... where waking up sucks.
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| 2 more hours till take-off :[ |
[01 Jun 2004|05:55am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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pedro - lullaby |
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You accept that people are assholes and say 'fuck them. i dont care either.' and then all of a sudden they care. haha, right. not how it works. sorry.
About a month ago I said, "I am going to learn. I know Im a hopeless romantic, but I am going to LEARN." "Learn what?" everyone said. How to box up and compartmentalize all of my emotions. How to BE A BOY about it. How to care at my discretion.
Ive had a successful month if you ask me. Sure Im not 100% there, but this is good, for now.
Vanessa [the best friend] keeps bringing up my highschool "pimp days" as she calls them.
She says falling for the poster-child of the lesbians [aka the girl that EVERYONE wants] is going to be my punishment for pimping girls in h/s.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I cantttt. I cant like her. I cant. No.
fuck.
If all goes well today, tonight we'll be going to backbooth. Hopefully my brother, cynthia, jason, and roy will all come too. Saturday is Southern Nights, and then next Thursday is the Suicide Girls burlesque show @ backbooth.
The 11th is my little cousins 7th birthday party.
The 12th is my cousins bridal shower.
Sometime after that is the wedding [gross i have to spend tattoo $ on dress shopping].
The 18th is Dashboard.
We had a fun BBQ on Saturday. The fridge is still full of beer. Ive grown back a tolerance for alcohol and its NO FUN. I cant get drunk off beer/wine anymore [unless its extremely excessive and you know what that means... CALORIES], its shitty. I hate hard liquor. hateee.
Tonight I showed Juana prom pictures. She said "wow you were soooooooo skinny. you gained weight." Of course, everyone says I look better now, and Im like, 120 or something... normal... but I just wish there was a warning label or something so people would just know NOT TO SAY THAT. Its upsetting. Jenn cheating on me and being a bitch was the worst feeling ever... But losing 13 pounds without even realizing it, was the best feeling ever. Maybe I need to be depressed again.
ehhh. the black wave is no fun. nope.
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[26 May 2004|08:15pm] |
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My life feels like a carousel. No, a ferris wheel. Those HUGE ones at the fair, and Im at the top and its shaking. The way my dad used to do when I was little to scare me [surely he had no idea how terrified I was, or that itd lead to my fear of heights].
No... its a gravitron. Yeah, a gravitron because it goes really fast, upside down and sideways. It threatens me but its all just a taunt because Im plastered to a wall with nothing to hold onto. Nothing to assure my safety, except the air pressing up against me.
And everything is really pressing up against me.
I feel dizzy and exhausted. I use that word so much but I cant seem to use it enough. Its so fitting. Not perfect - nothing is perfect. I dont know why I do this to myself. Why I tell myself one day we will be, perfect. We will not. But if I say that enough, I might end up back in the ugly hospital walls covered in rainbows and minority children's faces - smiling, though no one has any idea why. How could something so ugly be smiling, after all?
Ill tell you why. Its because they dont have to take a 3D shape and deal with all the things WE have to deal with. The things that build up so effortlessly and profusely for some of us - allowing no escape except the blue vinyl sofa that sits in front of this mural. This disgusting wall of eyes. The couch is too small to lay down on.
They will not let us sleep.
not when we choose.
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[25 May 2004|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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jason mraz - unfold |
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The days have been so hot recently. Scorching, really. The heat exhaustion mixed with my bodys exhaustion is too much... I become irritable and lethargic. My brain starts to pound against the insides of my skull. I cant even look at the pavement when I walk because whether its black or white, it shines incredibly bright; It reminds me of the way my grandmother used to tell me God looks, when I was little: a thousand times brighter than lightning.
There's only one good thing about this heat... the way my cheeks flush at random moments. I suppose the blood builds up inside them and then all of a sudden rushes upward, and I feel blotches of plastic warmth - stirdy and unstretchable.
It's odd how people have been praising me for my carelessness with my own emotions. I say I have no feelings about a certain issue, and they say "good for you!" I say Ive let anyone and everyone into my life without allowing myself to hesitate, and they say, "good for you!" I say I suddenly put a lot into someone or I suddenly took a lot away , and they say "good for you!"
Do they always say these things? Because I never heard them before.
Maybe instead of being careless, Im being careful? no no. Careful was when I kept track,
Maybe they just like the fact that Ive stepped into the territory they find familiar. The way of life that they know how to deal with.
I watched Fight Club today. There's this one particular scene that I love. It brings me a liberating feeling. When Marla is walking away from Ed Norton, after they first meet... she walks right into traffic. She doesnt wince or look left and right, or walk quickly even. And then she stops, right in the middle, and turns around to give him her number. When she goes back again, she still never takes one single look.
I tried this today at WalMart. I told Jason my reason for walking into oncoming traffic. I said what Marla says, "I could die any second." Then I had to stop, when I was pushing the kart. It ruined it for me completely. I said "I dont care if I die, but I dont want to hurt other people."
That my big problem.
The weight I feel on me constantly is so overwhelming. It feels like every day it just grows. I say sleep will help. I say staying home and resting for a week or two will help - but nothing ever helps. It just grows, like an infection. Like a fragment of the disease that it is.
Id like to be able to go places without being exhausted. Id like for my walk not to be so rushed - always in a hurry so I can get back home. Someplace warm where I can sit, or lay down... some place where I can be alone.
Thats another thing. My loneliness has become a comfort. I used to despise it. I used to cry... beg people to come and then beg them to stay. Go out as much as possible. But now it feels so good to be alone. And all this dating I could be doing, feels like just a hassle.
I feel really sick.
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| I MISS SHELLS! |
[23 May 2004|03:41pm] |
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mood |
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lackadaisical |
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music |
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michelle branch - second chances |
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I slept all day and accomplished nothing on my list.
But tomorrow is Monday, and a busy Monday it will be.
Today I get to see Vanessa [#2]!!! Im so excited lol. I havent seen/talked to her in so long... she just called and said lets go eat :]
She's leaving to work at a camp in Tampa the 30th :[ I was supposed to work there too but that didnt happen.
I feel shaky.
I dreamt about my grandmother.
My hand hurts a lot, still.
My nails are long.
My hair is growing fasterrr :]
enough about me.
How are you? ;]
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[20 May 2004|08:37pm] |
Ok so Im watching Never Been Kissed,
and they are definitly playing
The Smiths - Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want This Time
(longest fucking title ever lol).
but that almost makes me smile.
<2
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| most hilarious thing EVER ahahahahahaa |
[10 May 2004|09:20pm] |
HappyFaceGenn [9:17 PM]: i bought pre natal pills so my hair iwll grow faster
HappyFaceGenn [9:17 PM]: ReRe told me to
HappyFaceGenn [9:17 PM]: and the pharmacist thought i was pregnant lol
brother [9:18 PM]: you should have said, 'dont worry there, mister, i know who the daddy of this here little one is (points to stomach) and hes got nice blue eyes like the skyyyy. were gonna be ALL..RIGHT!'
HappyFaceGenn [9:18 PM]: LMAO
HappyFaceGenn [9:19 PM]: HAHAHAHAHA
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[09 May 2004|06:31am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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music |
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counting crows - american girls |
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Today was lethargic and I dont know why.
I attempted writing a thousand times, but all of it seemed like just broken prose between thin blue lines.
Theres a girl that sends me messages on myspace. She likes who I am through this screen. She likes my choice of books, bands, and movies. She tries to make me smile, she says, "I have a tendency to overstep my place a lot, and I'm sure this will be received as such." And I just cant believe it.
She said what Ive been thinking for as long as I can remember.
Im so torn between who I am: charismatic, affectionate, giving, flirtatious, caring...
and what I suppose I should learn from past experiences... which is, not to be.
I fear that if I try to take what I suppose I should have learned, and let it sink it, and act accordingly... I risk losing parts of me that could be the only parts that give me the chance of being near to people, worth being near to.
I make no sense.
I have so many worries lately. I cant seem to place them in an organized way. I just try to sleep through it all, and thus they float around my mind and make me upset. Having no phone only leaves its mark because I cannot listen, speak... Ive been alone, truly... have not heard a voice in quite some time. Tonight I started to think how nice being alone would be if we knew we would be alone forever. If there were not amazing people in the world. If we were all just, on our own... how nice it would be to be used to that.
There is so much to say. All these books have put so many ideas in my head, and I guess they just dont mix well with the worries... but I really cannot wait until Juana gets back, so I can talk! sigh. Im sooooooo tired. Sleep time.
Maybe tomorrow the broken poetry will make more sense, and I can fix it.
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| my dream =X soooo weird. |
[08 May 2004|01:19am] |
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mood |
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weird |
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To dream that you are wearing a mask, signifies temporary trouble as a result of some misunderstanding and misinterpretation of your actions and conduct.
To dream that you face is flawed represents erupting emotions. You may have suffered an attack on your persona or your reputation.
To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained.
To dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies separation.
To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence. You may be feeling a lack of control.
To dream of night, signifies that some issues you are facing are not all that clear and you need to put them to rest for awhile before a decision is made.
so, in the end of my dream, after I ran as far as I could and the night finally turned into day... I turned into a dog, and hid under a car. In my hiding I felt a distinct hint of relief; I knew it was relief, but I had to struggle to find it because I was still so afraid. As that dog under that car, as tired as I was from running, I couldnt even close my eyes. Then I woke up.
To see a dog in your dream, indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
To dream that you are hiding, suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or not want to deal with an issue.
To dream about relief, suggests that you are trying to reduce the affect of the dream message and images. You may be having a disturbing dream and your conscious is seeking to alleviate the impact. You need to take some time out. Evaluate your decisions and judgment carefully.
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[07 May 2004|06:49pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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weakerthans - the reasons |
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I had the most terrible horrible disgusting and crazy nightmare that ever could possibly exist. And I never want to sleep again.
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| we'll come together now, lets gel! |
[02 May 2004|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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collective soul - precious declaration |
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I found a piece of paper where I scribbled all my wishes, not too long ago. Theyre ridiculous things like,
"I wish everything was fair; I wish we didnt fight over land and money."
"I wish we all respected every single thing, from animals to flowers."
"I wish we knew what it was to be alive before death came."
"I wish we could see through eachother, but I wish there was no need to."
"I wish I didnt live better than anyone else, or know that anyone else lived better than me."
I guess Ive always been a dreamer. Last night I dreamt from the perspective of my future daughter. She had a polaroid of me, like the one my brother has of my mom, and she loved it with just as much will as he does. He tacked his to his wall, but she pasted it in her scrap book, cut out letters from magazines, and formed the word "dreamer" above my head. She looked at it adoringly, with a tilted head and a half smile, like she just wanted to hug it.
It was obvious that she felt the same way about me as I do, about myself, in real life. Its a sort of respect for who I am, and all the lessons Ive learned, but also the ever present understanding that Ive learned them all the hard way and thats probably at least HALF my own fault.
Im sitting here, though, looking at this list and knowing fully that this is so... me. Such a Genn thing to do: jot down lists of things that will never happen, or just stare at the sky and think about the world. I know it sounds cliche, but I do all these things without even realizing how much of a dreamer I am, until I find lists like this, later. Or until I have a dream like this that seems like its sole purpose is to say one of two things: youre wonderful, or, wake up.
I love collective soul.
I also had a REALLY weird dream about a frog. I could swear my eyes were open, and I saw a frog jump out of my bathroom and I was terrified [I hate frogs]. So I was deciding if I should get out of bed and sleep downstairs, and how fast Id have to run to do that and how tired I was... and the frog was hopping in my direction so I just got more and more scared and was about to run, but then I think maybe my eyes really DID open, and I saw exactly what I was seeing in the dream [because of the position I was in] and there was no frog. So I was really confused, and after about 10 miutes of staring around looking for movement, and thinking theres no way a frog could get into my room, I convinced myself it was a dream and went back to bed.
To see a frog in your dream, represents a potential to change or to do the unexpected.
I suppose Ill go read more. Its addicting, it really is.
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[01 May 2004|04:03am] |
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mood |
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silly |
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music |
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deathcab - expo 86 |
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I think maybe your greatest asset can also be your worst trait.
But then, who wants to think about that??
Tonight was fun.
Im so tired... I just want to sleep and not dream, at all... unless it were songs. That would be really nice.
:]
Everyday is like...
excitement for tomorrow.
Im silly.
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| did i sell my soul for this feeling... so long ago? |
[29 Apr 2004|02:33am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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telepopmusik - yesterday was a lie |
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Wow. I really have significantly changed in certain ways, in the past year or two. It was never hard for me to meet people, I wasnt so insecure. I was more excited than anything else... I really had no worries because I was so naturally social. Now I analyze every single thing people do around me, to try to figure out if I should shut up or keep talking, move further or stay put, be honest or be quiet... its terrible.
I think, mostly its because I know that Im a good person... and going through all the shit I went through kinda just jaded me. I fear so much that I can never be honest with anyone ever again, because the truth about my past doesnt sound pretty at all. And I dont want to be judged... but I dont want pity either. I just kinda wish it didnt happen at all, so I didnt have to think about it, when I care about someone or relate to someone. But it is the reason WHY I can relate to so much.
sigh. I talk too much. But really... its becoming more of an issue all the time. Ive made friends in the past week that make me really happy. Its like the friendships you have in highschool... but rarely in college because theres never any time and everyone is so caught up in themselves and school. It took a whole year for this to happen... and a lot of that time I was really sad because I thought it never would again. I thought that it must have ended, and I wasnt warned... it felt so abrupt and I didnt understand why it had to be that way.
Things have changed a lot. Im so fucking grateful that I got a second chance, but talking about it... is so scary. I dont want to lose what Ive gained, but I dont want to feel stuck in one place either. Im naturally an honest person, an emotional person, and a strong person... but I dont know what other people see when I speak. I dont want to come off as anything but sincere... its complicated I guess.
=/ Its freezing in here.
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[28 Apr 2004|02:55am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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radiohead - sail to the moon |
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I have this huge infatuation with libraries and learning.
Libraries have books, Cds, movies, tapes.
You can learn ANYTHING.
Tomorrow Im going to return what Ive read, and check out books in french.
And tapes to teach me the accent. Then Ill be able to speak it :]
I wish I could learn languages for the rest of my life. But its very time consuming.
When Im rich one day, Ill build myself a library in my house... that will have every book Ive ever read [that I can remember] and tons more. It will be amazing and Ill spend all my time there. With blankets, reading reading reading.
I love Summer so much.
If anyone wants me to read any good books, tell me :]
Maybe Ill read The Pilots Wife. Ms Tate wanted me to read that 4 years ago and I never did. And I really respected her. I wonder why she wanted me to read it...
I wish I never had to sleep. But if I dont, tomorrow will be terrible.
Tonight I left my friends at 3am cuz I was so tired. We stayed up till 8am yesterday. The sunrise was gorgeous.
I sorta like being alone.
I still get pretty girly about certain things though.
wow, that was so random.
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[26 Apr 2004|08:50pm] |
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mood |
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 full |
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music |
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jason mraz - absolutely zero |
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Post a memory you have of me in the comments. It can be anything you want. Then post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.
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| our invisible lines are retreating, invisible pride - depleting. |
[19 Apr 2004|03:22pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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Why is it that people tend to be so over my head?
I mean, am I the ONLY person who is not here and then there and then back here and then 5 feet away 2 minutes later? Confusing, right? EXACTLY.
I am seriously questioning my reasoning behind certain things I want to do.
Im leaning towards FIU still. I mean, all the papers are done. Everything is done.
But I know its not going to be easy, and it might just be a little bit too much. But, I dont want to be here all summer alone. And I really do miss a lot of people. But, I dont think... no... there cant be just one main reason.
Oh wait, yes there can!! MY STEPSISTERS. and JAC. I fucking miss them so much. 4 fucking years since our last visit.
I cant even express the amount of stress that has just completely FALLEN on me in the past 2 and a half days. Thank you dad. Thank you school. Thank you doctor. Thank you ALL.
3 fucking weeks for my BIG SURPRISE that Im 'going to LOVE.'
I cannot wait to smile like she says I will smile.
sigh.
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| sometimes im so honest, i might even regret it. |
[15 Apr 2004|10:15pm] |
I guess it doesnt matter what is said or what is done on either part.
Not until it is clear and obvious how beautiful and wonderful you are,
not just to me but to yourself.
Its that almost-overwhelming feeling that I havent felt in so long,
because I know its dangerous... where Im 95% sure that I could make things better.
And maybe I cant.
Maybe no one ever can do anything better for anyone else.
And Im not really naive, I know that. That is why I have not really liked anyone since Christine... because I realized that I couldnt fix it, I couldnt make it all wonderful and beautiful all the time.
But for some reason Im back in that boat again... how? why?
I guess somehow I really think that even if it's just friendship, Id be completely happy making you smile. And somehow I really really do believe that I can.
and that you should know. how different you are from everyone else. in the most amazing way.
you probably dont even know this is about you.
but like i said, it doesnt matter what is said or what is done now. when youre smiling, ill be smiling, and thats when it will matter.
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